Contributing Writer
The Onion is America’s best-known satirical news publication, and has been praised by Bob Odenkirk as “the best comedy writing in the country.” As a contributing writer, it’s been my job to craft succinct, unorthodox, deeply stupid jokes that suit The Onion’s voice and point of view. Here are a selection of my headlines:
American Voices
The only real headlines on The Onion, with man-on-the-street commentary from the (imaginary) mouth-breathing lunatics that make this country great.
Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell Tickets
“No thanks, I’ve already got tickets to Doug Emhoff in 3D.”
Valerie Tilton, Rodeo Planner
‘Sinners’ Sets Oscar Record With 16 Nominations
“And zero nominations for Christ our Lord. Sinners indeed.”
Toby Lidl, Minority Shareholder
Usha Vance Announces Pregnancy With Fourth Child
“He’ll need to turn over any children fathered in office to the national archives.”
Lauren Baxter, Skateboard Craftsman
26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme
“Damn, my parlay needed them to get away with it.”
Raul Sierra, Clock Hanger
Tariffs Make Holidays More Expensive (Print Edition)
“I mostly get stuff from Mom or Santa, not overseas.”
Hank Givens, Riot Coordinator
New Mexico Becomes First State To Offer Free Child Care
“Any states offering a free RAV4?”
John Wickwire, Plaque Engraver
Cracker Barrel Scraps Logo Redesign
“You had me at ‘Cracker Barrel scraps.’”
Joshua Mirabal, Lock Tester
Rabbits With Tentacle-Like Growths Seen In Colorado
“I once saw a rabbit with a bowtie.”
Billy Glenister, Laundry Consultant
AOL To Discontinue Dial-Up Internet
“Hopefully it’s part of a broader plan to wind down the internet entirely.”
Michael Shim, Systems Analyst
‘Quishing’ QR Code Scams Dupe Millions
“The humble barcode would never betray us like this.”
Jason Shaper, Systems Analyst
PayPal Allows Businesses To Accept More Than 100 Cryptocurrencies (Print Edition)
“Using it as currency completely misses the point of cryptocurrency.”
Zach Sharpe, Pretzel Knottera
DHS Considers Reality Show Where Immigrants Compete For Citizenship
“The golden age of prestige DHS-scripted content is over.”
Barbie Falk, Sand Raker
Telegram CEO To Leave Fortune To Over 100 Children He Fathered
“And yet, still only two kidneys to share amongst the group.”
Ben Crosthwait, Paperweight Tester
Israel Intercepts Gaza Aid Boat With Greta Thunberg Aboard
“It sounds innocent, but that boat could easily be concealing a school or hospital.”
Jay Baldwin, Text Message Archivist
Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of ‘Bloated’ State Department
“High-level statecraft is best left to contractors.”
Emily McBride, Coatings Expert
Arsonist Sets Fire To Pennsylvania Governor’s Mansion
“Smart to get some state-level experience before setting fire to Washington.”
Matt Maketh, Bleacher Filler
Wedding Season Begins (Print Edition)
“You can save a lot of money if you schedule your wedding outside the Gregorian calendar.”
Herman Bessinger, Symmetry Analyst
Climate Change Endangers Migratory Birds (Print Edition)
“Beautiful climate year-round in Boise if they’re looking for a place to settle down.”
Simon Cox, Unemployed
Mysterious Flu-Like Illness In Congo Kills Dozens
“Big deal, I’ve had flu-like symptoms since 2007.”
Oscar Lewis, Memorabilia Appraiser
Horoscopes
Despite your best efforts, tension may arise between the four horses tied to each one of your limbs.
They say you can’t take it with you when you die, but they’ve also never tried to sneak half a sandwich into the afterlife, so maybe don’t take advice from people too afraid to bend the rules a little bit.
If you’re in a relationship, dedicate some quality time to your partner this week. If you’re single, that Pitchfork journalist who gave BLACKPINK a 6.2 isn’t going to cyberbully herself.
The stars, moon, and universe itself are all aligning to support your endeavors, so when you get pulled over this week for doing 65 in a school zone, resist like hell.
Shoot for the moon; if you miss, you’ll become a historical footnote like Michael Collins.
The universe supports your vision. If it didn’t, would it be this easy for you to buy a gun?
Don’t leave anyone guessing where your heart lies. Make sure to post the manifesto well in advance.
What others see as a burden you see as an opportunity, and investigators see as “desecration of human remains.”
Do not succumb to fear. Succumbing to rage is much more fun.
A new low awaits you this week as you struggle to complete the two-factor authentication to access your TGI Friday’s rewards points.
Wedding Announcements
Regina Lundell and Mark Francis
Opposites attract, and that’s never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C performance marketing.
Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak
The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple.
Obituaries
David Hammond
David Hammond passed away Sunday at the age of 81. In lieu of flowers, his family requests that mourners place a three-team parlay on the Lions, Colts, and Titans to cover, as it’s essentially free money.
Mark Platz
Mark Platz, 51, passed unexpectedly Sunday. He is survived by his wife, his three children, and a massive secret collection of troubling pornography.
Margo McQueen
Oh! Margo McQueen, 63, died. You knew that, right? Like, eight months ago. There was a memorial. Your father went. Said her sister’s really gone off the deep end with the Botox.